Discipline: Purpose driven or personal prison

As parents, part of the job is disciplining, but what is our purpose behind it? Some parents discipline out of anger, some to make a point, others to take a stand, some to change or challenge a moment where the best decision wasn't made. There are thousands or reasons why as parents we discipline our kids, but what's yours?

For me, my goal since I found out I was pregnant with my bio daughter (after I wrapped my mind around it) was wanting to be intentional in everything I did. Whether it was where we lived, what we ate, how I acted, I wanted to be intentional in all matters. The biggest area in my parenting I have done my best to be intentional in is my discipline. My belief has been, if it's not acceptable at 16, it's not okay at 6. If my child shouldn't act this way as an adult, why should I let it slide now. As my girls all know (yes, this belief goes to my bonus daughters as well), is that my goal for them in life is to become "women of character". This means that behaviors, mindsets and actions that will not "fly" as adults, will be corrected as children. In this the purpose is that there is a consistency in what is expected of them, no matter their age.

Recently, I had to give consequences to three of my girls. It was "relax time" on the way home before bedtime and we asked them not to play around in the car. Well....they didn't listen. Two were playing around, while one was giggling and encouraging it. Then came the second warning with the heads up that if they continued not to listen, there would be consequences of 1.5 hours of workbook time. Apparently they thought we were kidding as it then turned into two encouraging one to play around and goof off. As you can imagine the consequence was given. We let them know that they now had to get 1.5 hours of workbook time done the next day (reading could be thrown into the mix) before any playtime could happen. Once we got home, devastation began. It was the first time my bonus daughters ever had that kind of consequence, so I had to have a talk with them once they got into bed. Normally, when I give a consequence, I discuss the what, why and how to move forward when giving the consequence. Since we were in the car, I didn't with my bio daughter, she knew all those, but my bonus daughters needed that information.

Once they were in bed, we had a talk. One to help them calm down, two to help them understand the purpose of the consequence and three to help them find peace. We discussed their actions in the car. That although they "didn't do anything" (per their words), influencing and encouraging someone else to not listen or misbehave is just as wrong as doing those actions yourself. We also discussed not putting the blame and responsibility on others. That the largest part of them getting the consequence wasn't just that they didn't listen, but because they've made a habit of putting the "blame" on other people and encouraging others to not make the best choices while keep "their hands clean". I reminded them that my goal for all of them, is for them to grow up to be women of character. Part of that is taking responsibility for our own choices and actions; that includes what we encourage others to do. Also, that if they continue in that mindset and with those actions, they will find it very hard to make and maintain friendships as that as seen as being "underhanded" and "back stabbing" as you get older. We finished off the conversation reminding the girls of a very important fact, one that they easily forget and need to be reminded of often. They are wonderful, amazing, thoughtful, kind human beings. That those actions don't define who they are. And that that moment was just that, a moment, nothing more. We reminded them that this was a lesson, not a defining feature.

So often we think that discipline can be a "one and done". Say the punishment, give it out, then move on. But kids can't "process" what we see as a "simple consequence". If they get punished without "explanation", they begin to see themselves as "bad", "unworthy", "horrible people". Consequences are a natural part of life. However, when we have to give them to kids, we must always remember to review the action/words, share why it was wrong, discuss their reasons and heart behind it and remind them of who they are; they are not that moment, they are more than that and they can learn and grow from it and do better next time.

So again, what is our purpose of discipling our kids? Is it to make a point? Express our displeasure, frustration or anger? Or is it to take a moment and "nip it in the bud" so it doesn't grow into a character trait and mindset? Is it to help these incredible kids God has given us to guide to grow into the people He designed them to be, men and women of character? Once we figure out our purpose in why we "punish" and give consequences to our kids. We're able to help not only them, but ourselves in those situations. They can become a learning opportunity and a bonding moment. One where they know once it's over that they are worthy, loved and cherished. Not dismissed, demeaned and rejected. Our parenting in this way shapes the way they view themselves, others and helps create new puzzle pieces to fill out the person they will become.

**Image in thumbnail: Mother Comforting Child by Louisa Anne Beresford, Marchioness of Waterford (1818–1891)