Their body, but whose rules?

We all have this idea about what our kids should like, look like and be but more often than not, what we "want" isn't what we get. When I was pregnant with my (bio) daughter I knew I wanted to be intentional in every aspect of my parenting. One of the hardest ways I have walked that path is in what I "allow" with her appearance. When she was one year old, she started picking out her own clothes. By two she had very strong opinions in what she liked to wear and didn't like wearing....and she'd verbalize it. She was four the first time I "dyed" her hair per her request and to this day she will let me know what she wants and doesn't want in terms of her appearance.

It has always gone beyond clothes and hair though. If she didn't want to hug someone, she didn't have to. If anyone told her to hug them, they were quickly reminded to ask, not demand hugs or any form of affection. Even as a toddler, if she was upset I would ask If I could come close to hug her as a way of showing her boundaries were respected in every way, not matter "who" I am to her. I never wanted her to feel like she had to let anyone do anything "to her" that she was not comfortable with in that moment. That if even I (her mom) had to respect her boundaries for her body, so did everyone else.

Over the years the way this is has continued to be one of my greatest challenges in parenting. Giving her freedom over her clothes has always been easy, but my biggest internal hurdle, is her hair. I always believed she's have long hair just like I did growing up and like I do now. However, God puts things in our lives to help up grow and grow beyond ourselves. My (bio) daughter (aka the second oldest) of course has not wanted that. She wants angled hair, "short" hair, shaved hair. She wants all the things I cringe at her having. Not because I don't like the style, but because it's not what I imagine for her.

How often though do we limit or are tempted to limit how our kids express themselves visually because it's not what we imagine for them? Over the years I have really struggled at times in letting her do what she wants with her hair. Of course in many ways it seems so silly, hair grows back (that's what I tell myself, her and others often). But it's still the initial realization that her style isn't what I "wanted" it to be.

What brought me to this moment is that for over a year she had been asking for the side of her hair to be shaved. Now although this isn't THAT big of a deal, it was a huge thing for me. Hair dyeing wasn't that big of an issue, but hair shaving...that will last for a LONG time, even if you want to grow it out. To make sure it was what she wanted (and it give myself time to process this), I made her wait. A year passed and she had gone through a lot. COVID, cliques in class...just...life. So I decided that she needed a personal "win". So one afternoon I told her to get the plastic kid chair and I pulled out the razor. It had been a while since I saw her face light up like that. She was so excited that she was getting what she wanted, but also what she patiently waited for. Seeing her hair fall with each cut and shave made her happier and happier. Now I did set a rule, the remaining hair needed to stay longer than her shoulder (for the styles she wants, it makes it easier). But seeing the end result and her reaction to it, reminded me why I have the "your body, your rules" rule. This wasn't something that was going to hurt her or anyone else. But it was such an empowering moment for her. Although she takes pride in looking like me, she loves having her own individuality. She enjoys getting to express herself, her way. And she gains confidence in knowing that she is supported in her forms of self-expression.

Something simple like to hug or not hug, a haircut or wearing three tutus at once, furthers enforces her confidence that her voice for herself is not only important, but is demanded to be heard and respected. That her opinions matter no matter what. If she knows without a doubt that her choices matter and her body is to be respected now, imagine the confidence she'll have later in life. Think of the fact that she won't let anyone pressure her or coerce her into doing things to herself or others she isn't comfortable with or knows is wrong. When I say, "your body, your rules", it's not a free pass to do what you want. There is always guidance that goes along with it. It's a reminder that at the end of the day, she needs to be comfortable and accepting with whatever is happening to her, especially when it comes to her body. That no one is permitted to tell her what to do or force her to do anything when it comes to her body. Obviously, I still have "mommy power" to overrule if need be, but even then a conversation is had as to why I'm using that so she understands.

Something like giving our kids voice and power over their own person in retrospect is a small thing, but in reality gives them power in their voice and confidence in their bodies and themselves. And isn't that more important than our own image we have for them.

A simple moment, builds unencumbered confidence.