It’s Okay to Not be Okay
Unfortunately, this is not a recap of the kdrama "It's Okay to not be Okay", although I have been super behind lately and really want to watch it. But removing myself from that tangent, one thing I have really struggled with in my life is accepting that I don't need to have it all together. Now I know what you're thinking, "this sounds oddly familiar", but I promise, this is going in a different direction.
I have always wanted to seem like I have everything together. Even if I don't I want to make it seem like I do. Whether it's managing the chaos around me, or the chaos within me, I strive to make everything I do seem seamless. I joke that I'm "not human", that I strive in madness (and to a degree, that's very true). But one thing I have been reminded of lately is that, if I'm being honest with myself, I'm really not okay. And you know what, that's okay.
My life is insane. I have more "worlds" in my life than a solar system, more balls in the air than a juggling clown and more weight on my shoulders than the worlds strongest man. If you've read my "About Me", that is only the surface of what I do and the things I manage. To top if off in January I acquired a company (more to come in my next post) which has put my busy-ness on a whole new level. In keeping up with everything, over the past few months I've felt off. I'm not motivated, I'm tired (who wouldn't be), I find it hard to be interested in the things I used to love (including work). I've tried pushing through it, but there are days, it's really hard. I make sure I'm 100% for my girls, but the moment they're in school or asleep, I can "fall apart". I can go back to feeling apathetic and hermit from the world. I'm falling behind in some things or barely keeping up. I'm the tortoise in some ways, the hare in others, but no matter what I do, I'm not getting close to that finish line.
Feeling that way is exhausting. I don't know about you, but if I'm off for even a second I feel a tremendous amount of guilt. My expectations for myself are inordinately high. Part of that is because I know I can reach it. No matter how unrealistic my goals, expectations or views of myself are, I always seem to obtain it. So when I'm not reaching my ridiculous expectations, I feel guilty. I feel as though I'm letting myself and everyone around me down. That if my kids for even a second realize that I'm human :::gasp:::, then that means I haven't done my job as their mom. I know, you're probably reading this going "is she....is she serious right now?!" And if you know me, you probably are imagining flicking me on the arm while telling me I'm being ridiculous. And I'm sure I am, but welcome to my mind.
The thing I've had to remember again, the thing that I tell others, the words that were bitter to throw back at myself: It's okay to not be okay. That is SUCH a hard truth for me to accept. For me, if I don't possess "unattainable perfection" I beat myself up and believe I'm doing a bad job as a mother, wife, (now) company owner, daughter...the list can go on and on. I have had to once again accept that it's okay to be "off". It's okay to feel unmotivated, to just need a day or two to hermit in bed and just feel "yucky". But like I tell my girls with any negative emotion, "you feel it, you accept it, you deal with it, then you move on from it". I was feeling it, but since I refused to accept it, I couldn't continue the process of dealing with it and moving on from it.
We all have different ways we deal with these feelings. For me I've needed to talk to my therapist again, give myself those "get away" moments (even if it's driving in my car for over an hour for an errand I could have had FedEx'ed to me) and being honest with my myself and my husband on where I really am. If you're like me in any way, you want to seem like you've kept yourself together because you don't want people to worry about you keeping everything else together. But accepting and admitting that you're not okay, that you do need help, that you need time alone to just "get away" (even if for an hour or so), then taking that time to do what you need to do, is one of the most beautiful ways to move past, "not being okay".
So I know what you're wondering now, "so are you finally okay". Definitely not. My life is still insane and I'm still walking on a tightrope while juggling 50 balls at one time. But, I'm confident about it now. I've given myself a safety net to fall into when I need it. But most importantly, I've lowered the height that I'm walking across to make things more manageable. This doesn't mean I've lowered the expectations I have for myself, it means that I've accepted that things might take a little longer, that I'll need more breaks than I'm used to and that I'll need to switch priorities sometimes. My timetable may not be what I want it to be, but it's what I need it to be in the moment.
So be okay with not being okay. Don't wallow and drown in it. But accept it and find ways to move beyond it. It doesn't happen overnight and it might take longer than you'd like. But be okay with it. Accept it. Then find ways to move forward from it or with it (totally depends on your situation).